She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.
chipotle is closed for thanksgiving... I am officially thankful for NOTHING.
He woke me up at 4am just to lick my nipple. Then he talked in his sleep for 20 minutes about the sex we just had. I think it's safe to say he's a weird one, but I dont care cuz he fucks like a champ.
TOMORROW NIGHT CAN I HOLD YOU LIKE A BABY
Did you seriously take investment advice from our coke dealer?
Lol, you asked the waitress to box up someone else's discarded food last night
I got so drunk at the hockey game I bought everyone behind me in concession line a funnel cake.
Note to self don't give these guys your number. I've seen more dick tonight than a proctologist sees his whole career
Is it wrong that I want to do a nude photo shoot with nothing but a light saber?
You woke us up at 9:15 am still in your toga from last night saying "welcome to my house party...party". You had already filled up the pong cups with yaager/fireball and ordered a chicken platter... Who even delivered that that early???
Drunk me just left a note for sober me apologizing for all the fucking crumbs in our bed
Are you feeling better yet?
I need a nap and a new butthole
extra points if i make kids and or the elderly cry
He also sent me nipple clamps because romance is NOT dead
Yo I'm lookin at the cows. They're just fucking docile things
Randomize
