Crosby and Malkin: Two girls, one cup.
who the fuck tagged pancake nipples on my profile picture?
I just wiped my face with a slice of bread. Lowest point of the night.
He dated me before I started drinking. I feel like he deserves a consolation bj for all the effort he had to put in to get in my pants.
just drunkenly made mashed potatoes at midnight. what have you done for your calorie intake lately?
you're wrong. we DID have sex last night. just ask your roommate. you seriously don't remember him asking to join us?
you know who we are? We're the female white stoner version of Kenan and Kel.
after i talked him through a bulleted list of why we couldn't have sex he just said "but it would be fun...."
It's either gonna be a cock in my mouth or a burger. You decide which.
You spent like 10 minutes trying to hit a golf ball that was actually a cigarette butt. And then fell over.
I just forgot I was standing up.
The zoom feature on snap chat videos is the worst thing to ever happen to sexting
So I missed the eclipse because I was masturbating.
You and I both know it takes more than prescription narcotics to keep our family down. See you around ten, brother.
Sorry, Geoff can’t come to his phone right now. He’s outside trying to show his dick to a bachelorette party bus with “DTF” written on the windows
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