"Ever since I killed her kid she be actin' shady." Actual quote overheard at Marine World just now. Oh God.
were having a shit on karen session at work but then she walked in so we used code names instead and she tried to join in like she knew them
Help. Me. He just whispered 'prepare yourself', & sprayed hairspray everywheres to make sure the 'air was crisp'
Is that you who's passed out on my treadmill?
Thanks for alerting everyone in our apartment what your one night stand's name is. Could you scream a little louder?
Would it be considered cannibalistic if I wanted to eat off his bacon tattoo?
Just retrieve me from the bathroom floor when you're done
No she probably looked into my aura and saw that my penis would ruin her.
Can I get that on a shirt
I gather from Facebook you got drunk last night and took semi naked pictures of yourself?
Nice. The Governor's son bruised my vagina.
That's going to be the title of my memoir.
We were ushered out of Medieval Times by a squire for making out in the torture chamber. Children were present.
Like, defending PBR and Bio Dome consumes a lot of my time.
I just found vampire teeth and a moustache in my purse. do you know why?
my favorite part was when you kept waving @ that guy and insisiting it was your cousin..and it wasnt and wondering why he wasnt waving back lol you were legit PISSED
Legit just looked at the gin bottle and said, “Aw fuck, I’m going to feel this in the morning.”
Randomize
