haha omg you stole $185 from a passed out drunk indian on your porch and called the ambulance??
savin' lives aint cheap
i wish starbucks made bloody marys
I bought the love spell lotion from victoria secret so it atleast smells like a girl is present while I'm masturbating
Is it bad that your cum tickles when I swallow it?
Just ducktaped my beer to my bike. See you in ten.
"I never want to have to say, 'Please don't squirt me with your breast milk' again.
I don't care. I'll be that guy that eats cake in a car. Alone. With the doors locked.
I just had to stop two people giving each other hand jobs in the pool. That was not something I was taught in lifeguard training
Theres a high probability there will be two hot men waiting on you in your bed when you get home for lunch.
I woke up naked, with the lights on, using my backpack as a pillow and a pillow as a blanket.
I just remembered something. Did we really all flash the cab driver to get half off?
Hey, if I'm gonna bastard a child and ruin his life, I'm going balls out.
She hash-tagged my name. I think it's safe to say that she remembers our hookup.
I'm so proud of us for not dying.
We started a fund for a baby in a wine glass, I think we're pretty responsible.
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