What are you wearing to our high school reunion?
I don't know, What kind of dress says "I feel sorry for you people?"
this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
I forgot to tell you thank you for putting me out when I was on fire. im sure I'll laught about this someday...
It's been a wonderful constant drunkeness. We played Marco polo with some random like 8 yr olds in the kiddie pool.
Ice cream: Good. Fraternity: Good. Eating ice cream off a Skid Row bum's ass crack in order to get into a Fraternity: Homoerotic at best. I quit.
Is it bad of me to apply as a night shift counselor at a boys orphanage purely because of how laid that would get me at bars?
I walked in on him successfully eating chips and masturbating at the same time. I don't know whether I should be ashamed or proud.
You should probably stop your little brother from ruining thanksgiving. I just caught him trying to stuff a cake in a drawer... And now he's puking.
She ran from her surprise party screaming "I'm not ready for an intervention." Yeah, the girl has a problem.
its 3am and I'm taking a bubble bath, this is what taking a day off work at 30 looks like
It's okay I didn't send any nudes tonight so we are safe *inserts photo of a baseball umpire doing the safe signal*
Drake has all the answers
I JUST SAW MY THERAPIST OUTSIDE OF WORK AND I DONT KNOW THE ADULT THING TO DO
Dude she passed out on the floor so you covered her with a blanket to make sure "no one would notice her"
And when she started moving around and making noises you told everyone, "it's okay, it's just my roomba under there".......
Getting knocked up by someone with a good job and a big dick, okay. I can handle that. Getting knocked up by someone who sells dildos for a living and has a tiny dick, SOMEBODY is losing a pair of balls.
Randomize
