so the weed I found in my fridge is actually lettuce. tell jim I need that 5 bucks after all
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
i've got to stop sleeping with short guys. they always turn into stage 5 clingers
I was cleaning out my bag and I found some xanax wrapped in plastic with a note that said "use in case of emergency"
Just curious... Do you still have the cocks bracelet? You know, the one we pass around to whoevers been the biggest slut recently?
I found out his name. Apparently we sat in the shower together and flooded the bathroom.
Your first words after putting out the flames, "how am I supposed to eat girls out with my top lip burned off??"
Yeah no more flaming everclear shots.
So we get back to the hotel room and Tom strips off his clothes... His first sexual act as my fiance? Helicopter dick. I gave him a high five.
I am one Jewel song away from suicide watch
I'm sorry I came to your house drunk and fed pizza to your dog.
So we stayed at his mom's and all got drunk and he and I hooked up in his old bedroom. Then his drunk mom came in and tackled us when we were still naked. Why does this keep happening to me?
Nothing says hey I wanna be your friend again like ambushing me with a dick pic
My mom just asked if I wanted a mimosa when I got out of the bath.
I think everything's gonna be okay.
She drank my rum. I had sex in her bed and didn't wash the sheets. We're even.
I woke up to the sound of her peeing at the end of the bed at 4am.
Randomize
