I let some guy put hot sauce in my asshole for his birthday
At one point during the moaning he reminded me of Forrest Gump
What do ugly girls do when they get too drunk at parties. They can't pull the whole "sorry i passed out on your couch but i'm hot so it doesn't matter "card
Just wrote a paper about alcohol abuse that sounded like my weekend...
He's a firefighter, who has his own band. I'm pregnant just thinking about him.
so went to the condom shack today. bought a condom that dresses up your dick in a suit...tomorrow im fucking in style
At a pool hall. Dudes walkin around with fuzzy handcuffs cuffed to his belt. The douche bag level grows higher still
an off duty cop drove behind me last night to make sure i didnt get a dui. i was blacked out drunk and on a pill of ecstacy. he knew this. i must be really pretty.
New definition for "rock bottom": Waking up in a puddle of your own puke, missing your fake tooth. Then having to dig through said puddle of puke for aforementioned fake tooth. Think it's time I quit partying so hard.
Is this your way of breaking up with me as my wingman?
His ass WILL be my cock's next vacation home.
I wish I had a dick so I could say shit like that.
the next thing I knew, I was on the floor of a Tim Hortons bathroom in Canada.
Please don't fuck the professor. We both know that won't end well.
Just had to read the instructions to my microwave. How am I so high?
he's the kind of guy you give a fake number to and he still finds out your real number anyway...
Who in their right mind would frost a cake with their butt?
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