chick flicks and taylor swift songs are like porn for desperate singles
did the walk of shame from ex-boyfriend's room only to find other ex-boyfriend sitting in the living room. some people shouldn't be allowed to be friends.
some people shouldn't be allowed to be desperate.
Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
I'm at a Rock of Love themed party. New high? New low? I can't tell.
Wait. Scratch that. It's not themed. These girls are just sluts.
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
Why is there 6 cases of kwic trip dounuts dumped in my bed? Best 34 dollar wake up of my life
Ya after that i took a dump on a car... We're definitely partying with him again
Bring my lunch to work in liquor store bags is doing nothing for my career
Explain to me how "cheap asian titties" is a complement?
im breathing rainbows and everyone is talking in bubbles whatever you gave me give me more
It felt like a sumo wrestler slapped me. With a wet hand. 8 times in a row.
I did way too many drugs this past week for having a broken nose #commitment
I love you with the passion of a thousand FUCKBOYS during the height of week 1 texting
i spent most of my hangover doing the math to figure out the last of the alcohol would be metabolized from my system.
thank you pre-med degree.
There are way too many people I have fucked in this class for this not to be awkward
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