My hand turned me down
He literally didn't stop until I lost count of how many times he made me orgasm. It took three hours.
then they caught me trying to hide the turtle in the fridge
I mean it's not my fault he had a floor mat that read "put out or get out". What was I supposed to do?
They're doing shots to celebrate every 15 minutes passing. You can come get them.
I was gonna tell her, but there were too many tongues in my mouth
I hate cuddling. I also hate when people breathe. Which he did, a lot. So he can go to hell.
Tell me not to purchase 500 ball pit balls and a kiddy pool
No
This is why I can't have Wednesdays.... Or adult decisions.
Dude I'm about to just roll over and piss off the side of my bed, rather than make the conscious effort to get up and walk to the bathroom. One of those hangovers.
I threw up in a flower pot outside the bar last night and have a date tonight....I think I missed something
I'm smoking a bowl in my bathtub. I'm meant to be alone.
I'm eating cheesecake with my hands completely naked while falling asleep
I planned out my poor life choices for the weekend.
Noooo no no no no. She scares me. She means business. She wore a diaper when we went to the bar.
Randomize
