Got separated, got a half bj, got dropped off in random part of the city, don't tell anyone
the power's out. i'm smoking weed by flashlight
i wish i was dedicated to anything like you are to weed
I never doubt that you might be drinking at any moment.
Every time my boyfriend threatens to commit suicide I change my relationship status as "widowed".
i feel as uncomfortable as your camel toe looks.
I'm sorry. I just realized our 'big night out' ended up being you driving my high ass to get burritos and back.
She left a blanket, pillow, a glass of water, and two advils in the bathroom for me. It's like she knew. Best room mate ever.
low point in my life last night. licked pizza grease off my iphone screen..
I mentioned your name at this party and some girl started crying.
She literally took off her shirt and ran out of the bar. When she ran back she smashed into the glass door with her face....That's got to be the best way to celebrate your 30th.
In case you were wondering how drunk I was last night, there was an unopened slim Jim in front of my door and I ate it.
Brah, we should get a "do not disturb sign"... I can't have people knocking on the door while I'm high, it fucks with me way too much.
I showed up to a job interview wearing two different shoes. If that's not an omen, I don't know what is.
THERE'S MORE TO LIFE THAN JUST MISSIONARY
I just told my mormon professor that I was late because I was getting a STD test... good start to the day.
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