I want 2 things right now, you or a cig
cig
Did you see 7 ppl got hurt at Talladaga?
Did they get their mullets stuck in an engine?
I've had enough of this chick, she wanted to cuddle after giving me a handjob. I feel like I'm in junior high
You're not invited to the wedding. They don't want you starting a "who's fucked the bride the most" contest.
He made off the wall shots in beer pong, stuck the girls dog in a cooler, and played with swords with her mom. I wish I got his name
Even the paramedic said "what a way to kill a party"
My mom just came into the kitchen and watched me take a double shot of whiskey and chase it with a beer and said "you are my son." Proudest family moment ever
It felt like he was juggling my kidneys with the head of his penis... If you could even call it that, it was more like a lochness monster. Huge and mythical.
Florida has a way of just fucking with a person's soul and jizzing all over their hopes and dreams. Like existential bukkake.
My drug dealer bought me a book for Christmas. What a gentleman.
Oh wow and I have a bunch of portable wine glasses called to go coffee cups
I was just drinking but now I'm drinking and chasing with red bull. I call this "getting ready for work"
Do not buy a prego test at the Walgreens you frequent. It's awkward. Just trust me.
Can you get the dildos out of the shower before the maids come?
I’m gonna stop you right there. The last time you had a “brilliant” idea, I woke up to my kitchen covered in flour and a javelin through my tv.
Randomize
