ya dads aren't the best wingmen
he wanted to give me a nickname... my choices were superjugs,godzilla boobs or mouth of fury
Mustard is by no means a replacement for yellow wall paint
he literally had a slideshow of all the girls hes had sex with pictures set to american woman
so all the bums hang out by my new store, they have a leader we call king bum... He got dethroned by police today for choking out a hooker. The bum heirarchy is in shambles right now.
Most eventful shower ever. Jacked off, peed and puked in there.
Say something like you want him to fuck you behind a McDonald's. Guys secretly love weird shit like that.
Mystery lines found in a Pyrex dish in the back of my pantry at 415 am. No recall as to it's origin. Unidentifiable taste. Obviously I'm doing them
Idk. Each time I ask him about double teaming a woman with Dennis Rodman he just giggles. We will never know what to believe.
No you usually just ranted about the voicemail bitch until she cut you off again
Phone sex soon? I mean date. Sex date. Date phone.
all 3? possibly?
I think I'm up to the challenge.
I'm texting you the word "cockring" because I feel it hasn't been said enough throughout our friendship.
You have not lived until you've puked on your sequined UGGs in the Rite Aid parking lot while going to buy emergency contraceptives.
It's rum buckets o'clock
You coming to give me head and eat tacos?
Randomize
