Just thought you should know in my puerto rico drunkenness yesterday I signed my dogs name on the bar tab. cruise = success
he was wearing a tuxedo, i was naked...it's a long story.
He woke up, mumbled "silverware", and went back to sleep
you force-fed me gummy vitamins while screaming "I JUST WANT YOU TO BE HEALTHY" i have never been so terrified in my life.
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Things got outta hand once she told me to water-board her with Patron.
By the way when you were super fucked up last night, you ate cat food and tried to tell me it was healthy for you
2048oz a keg...divide that by solo cup... comes out to 128 beers...simplifies into 5.3repeating cases...drinkable between two people
and u failed math?
I'm just walking around Lowe's groping the carpets....
I think I'll bring the beer we scavenged from that other party. What goes around comes around, especially when it's Corona because that shit is not staying in my fridge
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A drank guy in the ER just sang Trouble to me and when he sang 'Lying on the cold hard ground' he threw himself onto the ground and landed on the wrist he'd just broken. Thirsty Thursday is weird already and it's not even 5.
You slid down the wall and got into the fetal position. He was definitely judging... I was judging....
I mean, unless you wanna just let me lie there while you fuck me and pour water into my mouth
Hey do you eat chocolate chip pancakes with bacon in?
DO NOT MAIL ME A PANCAKE
I don't have time to shower before my passport photos...your cum is all over my hair...that's with me for 10 years now
The good news is I woke up fully clothed, on top of my covers, with a half eaten granola bar. So, breakfast was waiting for me and I’m already dressed and ready to go today.
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