Life lesson: using the oven as a heater= $500 electric bill
I need to get the stench of sex and broken dreams out of my room
The two guys from next door helped him do a backflip. The ended up throwing him halfway through a ceiling tile. Don't worry, we fixed it with duct tape.
I'll call you tomorrow. I'm ok and back i love you goodnight.
I stole a bike. Here's a pic
I'm chugging Gatorade because i drank something called a trashcan and someone named Gianna diamond has my credit card number, and I think I might have ruined my life.
The doctor told me if I woke up with a broken foot and don't know how it happened, I might want to look into getting treatment.
I may or may not be taking a bath listening to the Phantom of the Opera. This lovely moment brought to you by xanax.
He took the bartender's challenge and took a Jello shot with a tarantula frozen inside.
Missing part of a tooth cos I tried to open a beer with my teeth, just saw a dude that looked like bill Cosby though so things are looking up
I just found a contact in my phone named "Sam 'it Won't Fit' Wilson". No clue when or where it came from....
You insisted that your middle name was "velociraptor" for 20 minutes and every time someone said something you tried to relate it to velociraptors. That kind of drunk.
So I just watched a seagul attack my boss and steal his food in the parking lot. Today might not be a bad day lmfao.
I went to Christian school in the 90s. I can finger blast anything, but dignity.
She pinched my nipples too hard I THINK THEYRE GONE
I TOLD YOU ABOUT GOTH CHICKS BRO. I WARNED YOU
A guy I don't even know just ate me out on a washing machine at a random persons afterparty. I came as it was going through spin cycle.Just kept thinking "who does laundry during a party?"
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