She transformed our coors light pitcher we stole from the bar into a fruit basket...
the problem with open bar is i never know what to get
did you really just start a sentence with "the problem with open bar is..."
My spanish isn't great but I'm pretty sure he was calling me a "little monkey" while I was blowing him
it was like i was on a global safari of uncircumcised men
There is a newly found video on my phone of me following you to the bathroom to watch you throw up. sorry I didn't hold your hair
Just realized how many men I've had sex with for the first time in St. Patty's Day past. Currently sending "HAPPY SEXIVERSARY" texts...
They wouldn't let me go to sleep at the police station while I was waiting to bail u out. YOU OWE ME
I need a burrito and a hug.
I am too drunk to be out in this weather around all these animals.
I told him I liked how shrimp feels in my mouth, but I don't actually like eating it. Turned out to be the most awkward way to say that I wanted to suck his dick.
You need to somehow incorporate the phrase "these hoes ain't loyal" into your best man speech.
he asked me where I was going to school, and then we started having sex, and I answered his question forty five minutes later after we were done. It was the chilliest thing ever.
Also, you fell asleep with you hand on and around my cock last night.
I canceled a date last night to eat pop tarts and go to bed early
Every time I look at him 'Relax' by Frankie Goes to Hollywood plays in my head. Is that weird?
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