You'll be the first to get a "it's herpes simplex 1" cigar.
It took you an unbelievable amount of time to realize that your ass was on fire.
Her birthday cake consisted of a shot of tequila with a candle in it
I tried telling you she just blew me in the bathroom but you were too busy making out with her to listen
In one night, this kid threw a firecracker under a fucking cop car, crashed three seperate parties, and passed out in a tree in our backyard. Do you even know who he is?
As shirtless as possible
Umm, ya, half our class is sitting in starbucks passing around flasks. Yes, flasks. Plural. Going to join them, we're all giving oral presentations in 20. Go hard or go home.
Dude. The only thing that I use less than my dick is my tennis racket. We need to play.
Chipotle. Because when you've had diarrhea for 6 days why not just make it 7
im just laying in bed, eating, getting fat, enjoying eating and getting fat, thinking about how i will probably have to get a fat boyfriend.
Please come and kill me with a brick you dont even have to be nice about it just smash myfucking skull in this is the worst hangover ive had for at least a week
All I found in my purse this morning was 160 cigarettes and a fistful of confetti.
How is it medically possible for my urine to smell like espresso
He then used a box cutter I keep in my car to open the plan b. Who says chivalry is dead?
My phone has started autocorrecting "monogamy" to "monogamish"
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