threw up during christmas carols. the audience at the church seemed to immediately know i was a college student
I thought we agreed I wasn't a screamer?
so after six weeks of dating she admitted shes bi and asked if it would freak me out if we brought another girl into the bedroom. i said no in this hesitant voice and she said 'if you let me dont worry ill make it up to you'
i literally fucking hate you so fucking much.
I can motorboat myself in this new push-up bra. I need to go out tonight.
I miss living with her. She was the only person who was a bigger train wreck than I am.
Be ready for a dog pile. On your head. With my ass.
Lest we forget our veterans. Also that two years ago I lost my virginity on this day in a hot tub. Go me for being the worst person on earth.
I was loaded. my pee still has a hint of lime
Sexting across continents is really a perfect example of how far technology has come.
The notary thing was a good idea. I can charge $2 per signature. I'm currently being paid in beer.
Needless to say, I did not go home with him cause he kinda resembled a guppy fish.
I just had all of the sex. All of it.
You are now at the point where people no longer question whether or not you might be on drugs. They now know for certain that you are
Andddddd I'm drunk
Andddddd it's Tuesday
That's your opinion.
Upstairs definitely just had sex while I wrote you love poetry. That was a fun experience 🤷🏻♀️
I have a number of responses, ranging in content, tone, and maturity. Choose your destiny...
Randomize
