I just saw a neon sign in a bar window that says, "open to Public" but the L is burnt out.
her parents were awake and in the next room. i think i deserve a big fucking medal for that orgasm.
if my spotter knew I was listening to the Wicked soundtrack on my iPod, I wouldn't even be mad if he dropped the barbell on my throat
Did you ask last night's taxi driver about his penis hygiene?
and then you started talkingabout how you wish birth control was disspensed as a candy necklace
Make me a sandwich
The day you make me feel like my detachable showerhead does I'll make you a sandwich.
Yes. No, I'm basically a superhero but with drugs. I'm robin hood. I steal from the rich (insurance and drug companies) and give to the poor (everyone I know).
He autographed my vag. This fuck just got authentic.
Not sure how ur night is going, but unless u also saw a naked drunk chick pissing outside i doubt it can top mine
Girl I love you like I've been drinking all day
He managed to find a wheel chair and a super mario hat, now hes rolling around screaming "real life mario kart!"
The thought "Ummm which pants am I wearing? ...I *am* wearing pants, right?" just ran through my head. I'm done. So done.
Welcome to Missouri, the show me your genitals state.
My phone has started autocorrecting "monogamy" to "monogamish"
I was cock-blocked by a swat team last night.
Randomize
