When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
OMFG, I'm seriously about to get fairly unpolite with this guy.
Wow. I bet he's shakin' in his boots.
I need Christmas break to be over. I'm tired of fucking my old High School girlfriends
I looked at her and said "I now pronounce you pumpkin tits"
Sorry, but you probably shouldn't come over. I'm too sober for this.
I just melted my phone trying to make cookies. I think that's a sign.
Think I pulled my pelvic muscle.
I think I pulled my ashamed of myself muscle.
My mom just told me the story of how she met my dad through prison. How was your saturday?
The smell of mosquito spray completely ruined the sex.
I was sleeping pretty good until your cat pooped loudly. I dreamed that a full grown man was pooping on my ear. It startled me.
well a fat roach just fell out of my hair. so there's that
It was big, black, and had a smiley face tattooed on it. It was the perfect penis.
I will feed you tacos. I will touch your butt. Happy Valentine's Day ❤️
I LACK THE NECESSARY BRAIN FUNCTIONS TO BE ABLE TO PROPERLY RESPOND TO THAT
yeah. i tried to refuse to leave unless the burger king himself escorted me out. that didnt fly
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