grinding to god bless the USA? really?
shut up
I was so hungover I threw up on her when she answered the door. i don't think it was a good first impression
She said she didn't think she should have to shave either. Guess no shave November just became no sex November.
stuck in the elevator with that hot guy from the 3rd flood. Worried he can smell my spray tan and desperation
Just realized I lost my social security card...maybe someone else will do something with my life
Note to self glow in the dark nail polish can be quite the mood killer during sex especially when you notice its working for the first time and you stop everything your doing to do spirit fingers
i was staring at her drunk thinking "shes at least a four"
Im at target. Idk why I'm buying condoms AND a tutu for my cat. No one who dresses their cat up has ever gotten laid.
We just laid there in bed together, petting his dick and repeating, "IT FEELS LIKE VELVET!!!"
Sign she's a keeper: "I would rather be late to brunch than waste a perfectly good boner."
His fucking flight got canceled because the president stopped at the airport he was flying out of... Fuckin Obama literally just cock blocked me
So i know i said I'm turning over a new leaf, but i met a guy with a dick piercing. I have to sleep with him. For science.
You had sex with a guy who has a purple beard last night. No Molly for a while, ok?
My liver is going to reject life during Greek Week
How many liver transplants can a person have? Bc you may need a couple
also, when i showed up he started talking to me and eventually asked me if the girls treated me well. i went on to talk about my sex life. he was talking about his secretaries.
Randomize
