evidently tequilla and lady gaga make me flirt and grind shamlessly with other men infront of my boyfriend.
do you think they make "congratulations unfit mother" greeting cards?
or abortion recommendation cards.
She has 2500 facebook friends. I probably should have used a condom.
i just got a clause named after me in the 'alcohol and drug use' section of the handbook. this is certainly a warning sign.
Just crushed a xanax into my chewing gum. Its gonna be a long, fucking up flight...
I just got a new temperpedic mattress pad and started smoking weed again in the same week. finding motivation to go to a 9:AM class is close to impossible.
You didn't know it was a gay bar until the 7th guy rejected you. You were crying because you thought it was just a bad night. No more for you.
Ok I'm good with that cause I'm gonna disappear for 90 days
Are you goin to rehab again?
I can't come tonight. Someone took a shit in the dressing room. A.) Clean it up or B.) Kill myself. Text back with your answer.
I got propositioned while wearing the bottom half of a horse costume. It's like god is apologizing to me in the strangest of ways.
Jesus I was next level high last night having a mental epiphany about the state of Virginia
She rode me wearing nothing but a Santa hat. Merriest fucking Christmas!
Anal on new furniture sounds like a quickest way to violate a warranty
Pretty penis doesn't make up for awkward eye contact.
She then told me, and I quote "I want to send you nudes just to see how you'd react."
Randomize
