i effing cant stand that stupid soul the new way to roll hamster commercial. everyone im with is laughing and now hate them all.
I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
i tried to get you to come inside, but you insisted on throwing up in the flowers "because they're pretty."
i never thought it was possible to fit gay, redneck and asian into the same sentence before i met you.
and this wasn't even the first one i'd hooked up with
just chugged some gatorade and threw it up. todays gonna be awesome
I would just watch. I wouldn't even have a boner cuz I would do so much coke. It would just be funny.
Yeah, I probably scared him away when I drunkenly told him we'd have beautiful children
Let's discuss options later this evening. I'll draw out said options and compare and contrast the "accessibility" of the costume for quickies. Because you never know. Halloween is full of surprises. I'll also compare practicality, level of skank, and creative features.
I'm drinking wine from the cap of my laundry detergent container, wearing my bed sheet as a cape. How do you think I'm taking it?
After her AA meeting, she was on the phone with her mom, and when she said, "they're making me start over with Step 1," I quietly sang, "cut a hole in the box".
I'd help you out but I got Bacardi and Tequila poured down my snorkel last night and I'm still drunk
I hope the lord has blessed you with many tampons, child.
Fuck. I did it again. I plugged in my toaster and walked away thinking it needed to preheat. I am dumb.
You just kept telling everyone to call you MFT.. Mother Fucking Tornado.
Im sorry for telling you id rather jump into traffic than date you again. I didnt mean to be so rude
Randomize
