I think I just met the technical qualifications for binge drinking in five minutes
I've thrown up so many times in the third floor bathroom of Baldwin that they should probably just go ahead and name it after me.
In line at the grocery store. The girl ahead of me is in a wetsuit and just bought 3 cases of beer and a bottle of vodka. I want to go where she's going...
DRUNK CANOEING
Please text me if you survive.
LAND HO BITCH
You sir are most definitely in. Better get your penis an umbrella as that bad boy is gonna get soakkkkkkeddddd.
Also, I found out tonight a major plus for being female is you can accidentally call the hot bartender sweet tits and she won't get mad.
I hope your sleeping good cuz when u wake up im punching you square in the face
It's hard being an adult. And by that I mean it's hard to tell the boy you like who rejected you that you can't share a room with him at white party because you don't want to see him bang other boys.
I just blocked a guy on grindr for having a little dick. See? I do have standards.
I feel bad for his balls. Ive never seen so much sperm. He had to be dying
His cat must have been laying on his dick, because now my face is covered in hives
When I said I wanted you to make noise during sex, I didn't mean mocking ones.
Oh man
I hooked up with the lead singer of the band at the wedding. I am so hungover.
No that one bar I got kicked out of got closed so that technically doesn't count
Sorry my friend with benefits tried to run you over with his car
Randomize
