I hope you get used to having plenty of sperm because you're never gonna get any.
She said you were bangin on the counters of McDonalds singing "These Eyes" at 4am
Apparently i was peeing on things and marking my territory. I broke their light socket too. Needless to say im banned from their apartment.
Breaking personal boundaries is my trademark
Shaun got a portable breathalyzer for christmas so now we can tell who the biggest pussy is at the end of the night.
I think im definitely allergic to shell fish. Or hungover. Probably both.
For months it was all good and well just having sex. Now, something in me has snapped and I'm dreaming of taking turtleneck Christmas pictures with him. Fuck you, we're going out tonight. I need this.
The token old dude at the show tried hitting on us by telling us his favorite rapper was Cayenne West.
Just set up my first threesome: a rapper and a Marine. Pretty sure at least 80% of girls in America hate me right now.
I take pride in being a married 31 year old who sleeps on her best friend's bathroom floor from time to time.
It was like the icing on a beautiful fuck boy cake.
I'm only coming over if you have cocaine or a snickers bar
I just made myself orgasm twice and Laura lee hit 4 million subscribers. It’s a good day everywhere
You know that episode of Spongebob where Patrick teaches Spongebob to be fancy? His dick was like that, only fancier.
I'm currently watching porn and playing beer pong with wine in the lobby of a hotel with a squadron of hot airforce guys. You can never say your life is better than mine again
Randomize
