Note left in log book: "4:30am a guy was caught masturbating in the bathroom and passed out in his own juices and we had to take the door off the hinges."
You guys are open that late?
dude i woke up in a pile of chocolate chips. this has to stop happening
afterwards we were spooning and he said he wished he was a kangaroo so he cold put me in his pouch and keep me forever. I left as soon as he was asleep.
they said they heard you say put it in my butt
CONGRATS VODKA, YOU WON RHIS TIME..
i'm having flashbacks of crying and telling you i was made out of egg salad.
my car smells like vomit and bananas. this can't really be my life.
Today is leap day..... If that's not an excuse to blackout all day I don't know what is
I need to make a new year's resolution to only pee in toilets. And it needs to start happening before the new year.
WHY AM I CRAWLING IN OLDER MEN HOLY JESUS
Your fuck buddy is making you watch the OC. I think that counts as strings attached.
Everywhere I look there's another kitten this is so ideal
Can I live on acid? Kittens man. Kittens.
i have never been so sexually frustrated as I am right now. I feel like dying...is death an option?
Shit is getting real. I just adjusted my search radius for my dating profile to ANY FUCKING WHERE
Mimosas make me so tired. I just ordered a huge thing of pasta and gonna eat it in my underwear like a bad bitch
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