Alcohol only hurts me because he loves me.
I just came out of my doctor's office and i look into the window and i see a guy sitting in the front seat getting head.
why are you so shocked? you live in brooklyn.
I think i accidentally made vodka pancakes
Wouldn't be the first time..I think there's a subliminal message constantly playing in my mind that says 'blackout', 'throwing up is fun' 'too sober'
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I'm at breakfast at my kid's school and I have noted at least 3 other parents with last night's red wine mouth and bleary eyes. I don't know why I always get so paranoid.
I think I'm still fucked. I can see the electricty going through the street car lines
You brought us all personal gifts you had stolen from the party and bellowed "hoes hoes hoes, clepto Santa loves you"
WHEN THE FUCK DID MCDONALD'S DECIDE TO QUIT SERVING BURGERS AT 1:00AM?
I would peed on everything
Two dicks, one me.
Yoga's definitely paying off.
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Where did you go?
I'm not really sure. They have flavored vodka. I like it and I'm never leaving. Ever.
One day soon I'll learn the difference between a good high and way too high. Today is not the day.
Doesn't matter if you work at a funeral home. If the boss says get a keg, you get a keg.
After a beer I realize now I may have shared too much about my obsession with ghosts with my therapist this morning.
i buy too many watermelons when I'm drunk
She's like a squirrel. She spazzes out all the time.
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