I woke up to him trying to put his dick in my mouth. When I asked him what he was doing he said he was trying to make me stop snoring...
I just had a girl text me from knoxville "come see me. we'll go for drinks and I can make you breakfast"
how do you like your eggs?
over tits
where are you?
sonic
Good. I hungoveredly cleaned your room. This is what being married is going to be like. I pick the condoms up off the floor and you bring home the hot dogs.
you could never motorboat her...you'd have to motor-titanic her
hey as creepy as this sounds i still have your eyelashes on my desk
HOW DID U BEAT A GAY GUY IN GAY CHICKEN?
No, that was the night I was sneezing out barf
ill give you the fast version. Hooked up with 17 year old coworker while housestting for my boss
So how much of last night are we going to pretend never happened? Enough to stay friends?
There's holes in the drywall and the beer pong table is a broken door on two barstools. You know they like to party.
You just kept screaming "COME GET ME OFFICER, MY ALLIGATOR MEANS BUSINESS" while swinging a beanie baby alligator at him.
I just projectile vomited into my kitchen sink. Today need to be over already.
He came back with a Butterfinger and vibrator batteries. There's no refusing him now.
Nothing like a dick pic from your fave ex to make you audibly exhale sadly.
Why is there a pair of panties on my front lawn?
Randomize
