Sex don't cost a thang now that you can buy trojans with meal points.
I am engaged
To a real live girl that has met me
Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
well in the interest of full disclosure I have been using a used kfc spork as a buttscratcher for a month
How much morphine is too much? Keep in mind that I'm going to my graduation dinner with my parents.
You had your shirt off checking IDs at the door and you don't even work there
i don't remember going ever taking off my pants but my pubes are shaved into a K and kelsey is passed out in the shower.
Agreed then we'll really be on our A game tomorrow. And by A I mean alcohol.
He snapchatted me the wine on the ceiling this morning
A homeless man gave him a blanket and an ambulance drove him to sarahs...
I bought more beer than I could carry and managed to fit it all in the fridge. It's an alcoholicmas miracle.
You need to finger her with the Spock hand sign since she loves Star Trek.
He smoked and I was tired so left before we did anything. I literally left him high and dry.
Come as you are, bitch. Glitter and vodka provided.
Randomize
