There was a ginger baby in the car next to me. I almost totaled my car into the center divide.
I tried to assassinate the ginger baby
ohhhh fuckk. chicks a dude.
the best part about tonight...knowing when i wake up in the morning his car will still be full of packing peanuts..and mine wont
So I'm driving and this guy next to me at the stop light is reving his engine and honking at me. Motherfucker thinks that's because I'm asian and drive a honda I'm automatically going to race him
I discovered the grieving process is shock, denial, anger...and then something about drinking until you puke on yourself
can we please take bets on how much therapy you'll need in the future?
I just saw the list where the U.S. doesn't even rank in the top 10 in drinking countries. I know its Tuesday but....its for America
He came in both my eyes, then refused to give me a towel unless I found him by playing Marco Polo
I knew you would eventually ask my secret. Pedialite mix drinks. Works wonders.
As I was about to go to sleep he asked me if I was ready to 69. HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK AT HIM IN THE FACE OVER DINNER TOMORROW
I have this rep as a wingman for a reason. I'm like a poon caddy. "You might want to use a 9 iron on this hole. "
Fuck you, I'm yelling at a mountain right now
National champion athletes like gay butt sex, too. I'm just here to help them out.
FUCK YOU IM DRINKING WINE FROM A BOX
You okay there or need a ride? Maybe a straw for your box
Maybe a straw...
YOUR MANICOTTI IS FULL OF LIES
Sorry i meant to send that to my mom
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