My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
I give out O-faces like they're halloween candy
I don't care if he is my ex... I have the deed to his dick until someone else fucks him. We broke up 2 years ago.... I am still holding that deed!
both roomates are passed out on the floor. I feel like I'm missing out on crucial bonding time by sleeping in my bed.
all i know is that each time we woke up we were at a different chinese restaurant. help.
its 4am and she invited me over to split a 'romantic bowl of frosted flakes'...really dude?...what do you think she's trying to say?...she better not be kidding about the frosted flakes though.
I'll be honest with you, my dick was out at that point in time.
I can't. I will literally throw up my liver
Why dont you be an ebola patient for halloween? You can totally throw up and itll be part of your costume.
Um of course I blew him. He brought me a shamrock shake. It was two o’clock in the morning on St. Patrick’s Day. There was no smoother move basically. He totally earned that head.
You turned to me, winked, whispered "man the harpoons" and walked out with the fat chick
I need vodka and champagne for my new favorite drink, vodkapagne. Alternative spellings are "vodkapain" and "vom-machine"
You should have heard my farts after he left. I swear one of them was a demonic voice saying, "It's coming for you, Nicole. It's coming,".
I made out with a girl because I wanted to get in the VIP section of the bar because they have these big comfy couches. It worked.
Also, your girlfriend apologized to me about yesterday. That was nice of the cunt.
At one point she put on my dads pants and yelled after him EMILIOOOO! Dude, my dads name is Mark.
Randomize
