in the event that i am dead, my body is laying in the intersection of ... the pearl in springfield. it was my friend's 21st but i think i'm dead. wearing a black top. like i said, probably dead.
So, I just pissed in her shampoo bottle. Hope she enjoys a late golden shower from me.
i got last night's adventure to take the garbage out when he was leaving. my vagina is THAT good.
birth control and beer are two of the most beautiful creations ever invented.
my professor just said "the power of the situation"
drink
We were making out when she went into convulsions. At least now I know she's allergic to peanuts.
Im in a bar and I just invented a scrabble drinking game. People are cheering. It's like the universe has aligned itself.
We are winners. And by winners I mean home wrecking sluts
Isn't that what our 20s r for?? Testing the strength of other people's shitty relationships?
Frats are adorable. They make mediocre guys think they're worth a shit.
...the American dream.
My vday gift was a joint bouquet, Finding Nemo on bluray, and a good shower fuck.
Um, WHAT A FUCKING KEEPER!
He's passed out. He nodded his head when I asked if he's alive though...so there's that
ok NEVER tell the strippers its your birthday. i think i have to burn these clothes and take a bath in bleach
Don't mention it
Just endorse me for cunnilingus on LinkedIn
I want to die, ON THAT, with that INSIDE ME. ironically, I sense that would be the only time I'd feel alive.
You really need to not quote Anchorman while I'm giving you a serious blowjob.
Randomize
