I think about you every night.
I'm sorry.
According to my dad, my tongue ring makes people assume I give a lot of blow jobs because, as stated by him "that's what it's for"
Watching this movie and saying "drink every time you see an animal" was a bad idea...circle of life...holy crap
Hurry up. We're trading phones to prevent drunk texting.
I am getting my wife a tattoo just above her butthole that says, "For entry just add tequila."
If shame burned calories, I'll be back to my birth weight by the end of this weekend.
I was getting sick from all the peanut butter I had to lick off
Stop bitching. YOU SHOULD FEEL BLESSED TO HAVE LICKED PEANUT BUTTER OFF OF THESE TOTTERS
Hah no, But it might feel like water boarding to my soul
He said "just hugs" and ran away screaming.
So it may have been laced, sue me.
He had a step stool to get in to his bed!
Also, thank you for letting me cry in your lap on the bathroom floor. I can't remember if I was clothed at that point, but if I wasn't, extra thank you.
I haven't taken a solid shit in four weeks. Do you know what started four weeks ago? Alcohol and dining hall food. Fucking college.
There may or may not be an ass shaped dent in the hood of my car. All I know is windshield wipers aren't as sturdy as you think to hold onto.
i'm sitting in my room 'bout to smoke a bowl. also, i found out that you don't need a permit to own a tiger in wisconsin, so we're buying one when we move in together.
Can’t. Tonight’s a netflix and dick night
Randomize
