When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
I then asked the hardee's employee: mam, do you mind if i pay 75 cents in cash and then put the 1.13 on my debit card.
My life is like the prequel to "40 Year Old Virgin"
She looks makes a Zellweger face when she cums, she's keeps asking why I call her renee
Just used the salt in the bottom of my mcdonalds bag from last night on the eggs i made this morning. Way too hungover for this
I'm literally partying with O.J. Simpson's son right now. I don't know what to make of this.
I legitimately sent him a storybook of naked pictures.
I want a nosebag of coke after my exam. Like what horses have. Coked up horses. No excuses. I love you.
whatever buzz i had immediately ended when i saw her run through a sliding glass door
im pretty sure the clearest way to say "dont worry, im not emotionally attached" was by sleeping with his roommate the next night
We just set the fire alarm off with a fog machine. What's my first instinct? Finish my drink. I think I handled that correctly.
Found a grenade pin. Still no Dave.
I dunno what he did but it both burns and feels amazing to pee
I cannot belive our party caught on fire
RUDE you're the one missing half a nipple...
IT HEALED AND GREW BACK TO BE A FULL HEALTHY NIPPLE OKAY
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