I mean this holiday was built on cheap beer, shitty whisky, and processed meat... and I fully plan to honor that
She's the only person who can pull off turning an outdoor patio heater tower into a stripper pole.
I put bits of fruit cocktail in the jello shots i made because i knew that they were gonna be the only thing we ate all day
He told me I just kept sending him the word sex and dollar signs.
I love her to death but its like you have to do 5 lines of coke to be on her level.
I'm not about to serve this country to fuckin not have rum and cheezits for breakfast
I gave you a piece of bread to sober you up. You wiped your face off with it and then gave it back to me.
I think that all guys are assholes, some of them just have less assholeish qualities that we accept in our lives and that we can look past enough to deal. They have to be a pretty special asshole.
He kept kissing me on the cheek when I was pretending to sleep while he cried
Wait are we really having an orgy on Tuesday?
We fucked to Bonnie Tyler in my car. He's the one.
Don't do it. He's got a dick the size of a baseball bat. You don't want that commitment.
I have to. For the sake of science.
hurry up. it's a friday night and i'm drinking in my office by myself. wearing a stewie griffin costume. the cleaning lady is judging me.
I don't want to hook up with him sober. That's pretty much like saying I love you.
It's fucking 2020, I should be able to watch Netflix in the buff while making brownies without you getting preachy about it.
Randomize
