This guy has a retainer. We're golden.
My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
She’s leaving for college so I made her a gift basket with all the essentials. You know- Ramen, a 12 pack of PBR, some leftover Plan B pills and a laminated business card for a good lawyer. Damn I’m a good big sister.
they could make at least 3 episode of "i shouldn't be alive" out of my weekend
i used baking grease as lip gloss
My motherly instincts are overcoming my slutty ones
we kept pushing you at the prospective students saying go for it, itll make them want to come here
you kept yelling THIS ONES FOR THE ADMISSIONS OFFICE and then youd go in for the kill
We forgot to go back and get the brick YOU WANTED TO BRING INTO THE BAR?
I'm sorry you couldn't sneak away today. You're the only guy I'm fucking that I can talk with about the other guys I'm fucking, and I need some advice
She was wasted talking to my dad about the hunger games than she passed out in the shower and flooded the hotel room...
PROFESSOR JUST TOOK A SHOT WITH US BEFORE CLASS. WELCOME TO THE LAST DAY OF FINALS.
Hahahaha who is sleeping in the garage on our beer pong table?
I'll come hang out with you guys later, but right now my parents aren't home and I have to take full advantage of being able to watch porn on full blast.
Today some guy at work told me I had the nicest hair he's ever seen and my response was "thanks I grew it myself". This is why I'm single.
Tempted to tell the Titos promoters at this bar that they are doing the lords work.
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