I got so high that I decided to drive with my knees on the way home. Where am I going in life?
Nowhere
i came home at 4 a.m. and made a dozen eggs and three lbs. of bacon. my mom woke up and the only thing she was pissed about was that i used the whole carton of eggs, but then she sat down and ate with me
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
im wtih 32a right now bc 34d is on her period. now i know how girls feel when their hookups go from magnums to regulars
You yelled "sharpie war!" then jammed it in her ear
yeah, but the first step is admitting you have a problem, the next step is kidnapping him
Your job is getting in the way of our day drinking. Shots on the hour are not as cool alone.
having sex with him is like cage fighting mixed with pilates...the condoms didn't stand a chance...
I was blowing him while he was singing Happy Birthday to his girlfriend on the phone. I win.
Went to a wedding reception last night, came home with a Christmas tree and the rest of the keg
So, the officer that worked my wreck, I'm rockin his world tonight. He saw me high on morphine in the ER. So he knows my level of crazy. Think he'll agree to wear his gun?
So many things can go wrong tonight.
there was so much lube in my brother's closet...
I feel like I should acknowledge that I see you as a human and not a ragdoll sex object
I don't want to resort to having sex with people that actually like me.
Knows all the good gay bars AND has a dog? Wtf can't I drop pizza on guys like that????
Randomize
