didn't have any spoons so I beer bonged my chicken noodle soup. I fucking love camping.
My wife googled 'purchase vibrator.' Not sure if I should be excited or offended.
At least they aren't charging us for the broken diving board...
walk of shame into the pharmacy with a busted up chin and laughing the lady at the counter rolled her eyes at me when I asked for the morning after pill.
First and foremost she's my friend, but she's also a mistake I make when I'm drunk
I got stood up on a date. They are singing "dancing with myself" on karaoke in my honor.
YET AGAIN, my financial planning for 2013 consists MOSTLY of eating chipotle as "brain food" and drinking Heavily before the Jeopardy contestant test.
i'm hungover but need to study so i had a vodka orange juice, three ibuprofen and an adderall for breakfast. what up med school
She's going to be the first to die of too much illness. Not even super bad stuff like cancer but like for having a cold at the same time as a sore throat and chlamydia or something. Just too much diseases.
I just screamed IM THE CHUPACABRA and jumped on his dick. I need to evaluate my life choices.
HELP! I GOT DRUNK IN THE LIVING ROOM AND CANT GET UP UPSTAIRS
All I want is a hot dog on a Saturday at 2:19 is that to much to ask?!
I bet I give better head than any other PTA mom.
we had to follow your trail of clothes to find you.......
I swear to God...this day is one great big who's who in the land of fucked uppedness.
Randomize
