I figured girls wouldn't be down to sleep w/ a guy who plugged a pregnant chick
somehow in between the body shots the bong hits and trying to convince the 7-11 lady to let me fill up my vodka bottle with cherry slurpee. i misplaced my car.
we played lady & the tramp with a hash brown from McDonald's....im in love.
I was literally just a half conscious dildo.
a pansexual with facepaint started fucking a tall black girl on the bed i was sitting on so im going to mcdonalds
the gays at disneyland are vicious
Hey. I can't work your space dryer so I'm wearing your blanket home. I'll get my clothes later. Fun party!
You should hear the lecture my mom just gave me about cooking pizzas when im drunk because "I could have died".
You know the cave of wonders in Aladdin? That's how I feel about his apartment. Except with blow and other treasures.
You made out with him a lot. Almost as much as you told everyone Paul was the zamboni guy.
I fell asleep while eating jimmy johns last night and then woke up at 5am and continued to eat it
Please just help me figure out where the bruise on my face came from.
There comes a point where there's just condoms and old mcdonalds in your garbage can and you can't tell if you've won or lost.
If I die at work, I want you to have my mustache collection
My roommate walked in on my inserting a tampon. Somehow, I don't think this will be improving our relationship.
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