did i really try to jack off an athens police horse last night? please tell me youre kidding..
How did you steal an entire pie?
I don't know. It's in my purse.
she literally hasn't taken the mardi gras beads off in three days. she showered in them. TWICE.
Well if all fails we can always become surrogate mothers. I hear that pays well.
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I finally looked at the pictures from last night thanks for feeding me and pulling my pants up
There are two things I love in this world. Dick and cats. Why can't I just have dick and cats forever
He had bigger boobs than me last night and we both weren't wearing a bra so it was a fair judgement
The only thing he had going for him was mad fingering skills. the ONLY thing. crayons have a wider circumference.
Spider-Man is making out with Wonder Woman while Captain Kirk feels up Princess Lea. Nice to see nerd barriers broken down at Comic Con.
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He bought the 12 pack of condoms. I take that as a sign of serious commitment.
"This is Emily. She likes potatoes. And sometimes laughs and cries at the same time, and has a wonderful butt"
I really don't want to get drunk alone tonight. Like, I'll do it, but I won't enjoy it.
I'm in his bed with no pants on and he's just eating a sloppy joe
Hiking for a first date sounded like a good idea in theory because there was absolutely no possibility of me blacking out. In practice, I'd rather black out than go through what I just went through.
Still riding the magical train of drugs so, yeah, Id say I feel great
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