True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
i love marijuana more then i could love a human baby.
I didn't mind getting the stomach flu from him. we had great sex AND I'm seven pounds lighter
dude, i have to cancel tonight, my neighbor just bought a goat
We should see who can shotgun a beer faster over iPhone FaceTime
so apparently i worked out for over an hour last night. drinking is the only way i will ever get anything done
Theres an amvulance here. It might be for me
Cops said there's a crazy dude with a mask in my neighborhood. Don't get stabbed.
If he was naked that was me.
We literally just Chinese fire drilled so I could give him road head.
I feel like my nipples were chewed on by alligators.
My only positive piece of news is that my roommate is moving home for the summer, so our stress-relief sex will be much easier to get away with.
okay. well, yeah. i'm a mess and a half. this shit is not what dumbledore died for.
I'm hungover laying in my moms bed watching Space Jam.. Adult Life..
Is it bad that I want a job purely so I can buy drugs with without feeling like I am sacrificing my future?
Why do you think I have a job?
2016 was supposed to be my year of being a ho, but I guess 2017 might be too.
Randomize
