Told a girl i wanted to feel her bellybutton from the inside... I need to learn how to flirt
I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! Live in the flesh!
Now one day I will be able to tell my children how a drag queen in a gay bar told mommy that bin laden was dead
You called me at 4am shouting drunk shit about Poland and asking me to 'come out and play.' Where the fuck were you?
Poland
So I've decided to grow a vagina forest. Because I'm single and it's like a zen garden. Brings a new meaning to long hair don't care.
ders ninda duuude pooring goden shots ov glory. I see em an i dont but there hear.
are you attempting voice recognition while drunk again?
That's what my new years consisted of. Consoling heartbroken girls and having people throw up in my hands.
Oh were you the stripper at that club last Sunday when i was trippin on acid wearing a giraffe outfit?
He made me twerk for scrambled eggs... I regret nothing
40s are totally the cure
Friends don't let friends put redi whip in their wine
I would totes reciprocate the nip pic, but I'm sick with a piece of tissue shoved up one of my nostrils and I'm just not feeling that ambitious. Sorry.
Have you ever gotten so angry that you stripped in public?
My New Years resolution is actually to be MORE petty
im so drunk that this cat is mothering me. aggressively
Randomize
