if you don't go to jail tommorow I'll buy you a 40. Motivation.
So I got a little fucked up on the punch, and made out with the family friend. Which is apparently morally reprehensible. I don't get that.
I don't know how God could bestow someone that emotionally confused with such an awesome penis.
She jerked me off while she drove us back from Denver going 70mph. It was both the scariest and most erotic moment of my life.
I just found out my birth date is Pick Your Poison Day. Goodbye, conscience, forever. I was born to live like this.
The cardboard box in my backseat wasn't strong enough to keep your pee contained. Come clean my car.
Just gave a gay guy pointers on how to make anal not hurt. Reevaluation of life choices: in progress.
You grabbed her hand and started jacking her finger off. She was horrified.
Did it finish?
Chick last night said she only gets off if she rubs her childhood blanket her parents gave her during sex
I said you have to fuck the german guy and take one for the team...it's a once in a lifetime opportunity you know.
He ran around the party with a broken foot/ankle with a gallon of Malibu yelling "it must rain coconut"
You know it's going to be a good night when you're barking by 8:20.
You know I love you more than life itself, but love has its limits. And so help me god, if you bail on me, I will fucking watch the last Game of Thrones episode without you.
Why am I sticky / covered in baby Tylonel?
When we were having sex last night, I told him I would replace him with tacos
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