she called me screaming that i shouldn't ignore her phone calls, because she's not trying to get me to hang out with her and she doesn't want to be my girlfriend, she just wants sex.
what did you do?
i asked her out. that's so hot.
I just want you to know the floor between our rooms isnt sound proof "Captain Cock"
You should probably wake up already as I have yet another story for you. Teaser? Blood from knife wound. Tequila. Guitar hero. Kitchen counter. Lawyer.
I'm not sure what's more surprising, the fact that she said I reminded her of Danny Devito, or the fact that it got me laid.
Its ok we found him,,, He is in the bathroom trying to write his life story on a roll of toilet paper.
She gives me Chlamydia and somehow I'm still the asshole
This guy in a neck brace is ordering bottle service at the strip club. Not sure whether to applaud his commitment or scorn his addiction. It's a draw.
I honestly don't think it will ever get topped. Unless a real female cop arrests me, then fucks me. That's it.
A nap. You broke your hand napping in Vegas.
Shoot me. Oh my god shoot me. My moms ex "likes assholes"
We don't have paper towels so I microwaved a spinach/egg sandwich thingy wrapped in toilet paper. Toilet paper. so that's how my day started.
He sent me a picture of Reese's peanut butter cups next to his dick. Of course I went over.
Life if anyone rolls up to my funeral with shitty weed get them out of there
New rule. If he's too busy to put the "H" in "what" then I'm too busy to put his D in me.
Then you got drunk and shit in her car. Nothing before that matters. She isn’t calling you back.
Randomize
