Can you tell me we didn't drink from a fish bowl we found in the bathroom last night? I know it would be a lie; I just need to hear it.
i was so drunk i stopped mid-blowjob to make sure he i was with my boyfriend and not some random. twice.
He passed out mid-signature
I'm going to get so drunk tonight, I actually feel bad about the 30 seconds of drunken awkward sex I'm going to have with one lucky fat chick.
I am more sore today than I was after my car wreck. Take it as a compliment that you bang harder than a semi-truck.
just remind me when i get fired soon that august is the month i started pregaming work
First and foremost she's my friend, but she's also a mistake I make when I'm drunk
This is breast cancer awareness month... The least we can do is give a stripper some singles.
Call me when you get up. This hang-over is like dismantling a bomb: I need someone to talk me through it.
U have to come, I miss the sound of you throwing up.
I just want dates and sex but the option to have that with whoever whenever I want
I got slapped by a drag queen and bitten on the arm by either a random girl or a weird mouth shaped dog. Tough to tell without seeing the teeth
Shit is getting real. I just adjusted my search radius for my dating profile to ANY FUCKING WHERE
I really need to stop having sex.. I haven't been able to get a brush through the back of my hair for a good week and a half
Come on in and take your pants off
Randomize
