i just used the Cadillac of toilet papers. For a minute i actually forgot i was even wiping my ass....i thought i was floating butt first into heaven
i just woke up naked on my porch, holding the neighbors cat in my arms.
He just said "wow, thats some rly nice hair! And those teeth..thosee are some cool teeth"
Bubblewrap condoms. We can steal Ziplock's new slogan. Protection you can hear.
So i learned you can't hair-of-a-dog jaeger hangovers.
You're like the curious george of whores
I had to step in when you tried to make it rain baking powder on my sister
Best part of failing a semester of college: not having to buy books next semester. I can drink to that
The bruises are from paintball. The money is from me being awesome
Um...any recollection of peeing in the pantry
I'm watching him slurp a whole mango out of her hand. It's disturbingly arousing.
Did you put Dave Matthews band on the playlist? It's really hard to funnel when "Crash Into Me" kicks in.
Alex I've come up with a new medical condition. dick depression. it's a real thing and I have it
Afterwards I drank a whole bottle of cake vodka in the bathtub while he was bawling his eyes out. Hands down weirdest hookup I've ever had.
I think I won an award for shitting and vomiting at the same time.
Randomize
