I'm pretty sure my roommate has taken plan B more times than i've had sex. Not sure how that makes me feel.
so i told her that taking semen on the face helps make your skin smoother.
and?
luckily she was drunk enough to believe she had really bad acne...
Haha im sorry. Its just financially responsiable to bang him instead of you right now.
I hope he's okay, but I also hope he shows up with an eyepatch
found a ham sandwich in the elevator it tasted so hungry and it was still fresh. dont be mad at me. you know you love ham.
we're driving around with this really dirty (unclean and inappropriate) 60 year old ex-san quintin con named old skool d that my brother knows and hes bringing us to get weed. what is montana?
I just tried to text you by typing "whoa" into my contacts.
Well who could blame her. I would run away from me if I could.
Just saw a guy I fucked in a clown suit in the bar. It's not Halloween. I have got to start making better life decisions.
We found Mulan.
I thought you were in bed what the hell
This kid wants me to stop partying. Like I have only known you for 5 days. Chill.
Anyone would get lost in that field after that much vodka. Trust me... I kind of feel like superman considering I even made it home. Most people would've been face down in a random oilfield. Not this guy.
Sorry i ignored you for so long. I think my vibrator is broken.
I was drunk in the shower and i decided to shave. Im now bleeding to death
Who did he bring home?
Idk. But did you see her shoe choice by the stairs, I'm really not expecting anything great.
Randomize
