Just got kicked out of the ocean for being "unsafe".
Just bought purple Ray Bans. If there was any small chance that I would ever have sex with women ever again, I just buried it.
I'm wearing boardshorts as underwear to work. This is bachelorhood
Subtly mention that I'm not a lesbian. I would only go for rebecca's nipples because they're pierced and I like shiny things.
Yeah well margarita Wednesday already came twice this week and it's just now Wednesday
I just accidentally hit share on pornhub... Probably the scariest moment of my life
Please, take the 2 shots of vodka that I left as an apologie.
They told you that you couldn't fit in the dryer. Man, did they eat their words. You did brake the door though.
you sternly forced jackson to start preheating the oven around midnight so you could make bagels in the morning
you were serious about those bagels
Well she made a 15 year old cry, the grandmother did an ice luge and I woke up to the sound of sex moans
My brother and I have had one conversation in the past like 3 weeks and it was about what it would be like as a sentient butt plug
Told my fifteen year old cousin's friend what to sext his girlfriend last night. He was scarred for life but she fucking loved it.
Turns out my mom didn't really want to know I was in a new dimension last night from smoking so much.
Instead of texting me to come over, she just sends me a batman symbol.
I don't care if she's a booty call. Marry her.
Someone needs to get Mark off the roof. I told you that he doesn’t shut up about ancient Egypt if you give him henny.
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