It has come to my attention that I should apologize for myself and my friends
My brother brings gifts into my room to wrap them. It's a pizza cutter and a box of condoms..
it wasnt like "sexy" or whatever. like...she was smiling just standing there butt ass naked
tasteful.
It's not mothers day until you're vomitting syrup into grandma's toilet. Cherish the holidays
i dodnt think we hooked up bcause he actually texted me the next day
eating kraft dinner with my face. no forks.
Me ending up in the fetal position in my shower is becoming far too commonplace. It's like a weekly therapy session
He brought a TOOTHBRUSH and TOOTHPASTE with us on our date..... I want to go home and forget I ever decided to be nice and go on this date in the first place...... A TOOTHBRUSH!?!?!
If I were you I'd use my green card to do more coke and less talking
I can't say "baby i'm to high to talk to you" in Starbucks.
So "I hate myself Mondays" has extended to Tuesday this week. I just had peanut butter and a glass of wine for lunch.
Look, the coffee machine died a noble death. It was the way it would have wanted to go. It was a mercy exploding, really.
Was I drunk or did Alex not show up with 100 rainbow Jell-O shots?
Okay so I just had a really great idea
no.
I woke up on the couch screaming in pain. I don't know how ended up there or why my foot was double the size. all I know is I'm now in a cast and never drinking tequila again. worst hangover ever.
Randomize
