I just woke up in the back of his van. Bring me a sunkist.
You're not pinnochio. Lying isn't going to make it bigger.
Nothing screams don't date me louder then having your baby as your profile pic
For some reason I have a hard time believing getting drunk and recreating a movie about singing transvestites is ever very far from a situation you're in.
With the amount of g's you put on going I'm gonna guess you're drinking alone again
Has anyone ever told you you're majestic like a sea turtle when you fuck?
And your cock privileges have been revoked.
He actually has his life put together though, during the date we walked by a shoppers drugmart where my friend and I once flashed a janitor and all I could wonder was how does he not see shit show written all over me?
There is a dude in a thong with a Nerf axe having battles in the street. Welcome to Portland
The pool of urine in the trash can signifies both a regretful yet successful night.
I just had to kick out lesbian wedding crashers. They literally wanted to punch me. I threatened to call the cops so they went outside and smoked a joint.
A prostitute stole us beer at 3 am
There's no time frame.
For drinking wine out of the bottle and taking nyquil at 9 AM? There probably should be.
It's all part of my master plan: have him buy me all I can eat pizza and all I can drink beer AND THEN tell him there was no spark and we're better off as friends.
Is there ever a non-asshole time to play the "I was a child prodigy" card?
The waxing lady fingered me during my brazilian. 40 dollars well spent
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