Bea Arthur died! :(
What?
Big bird passed.
on a side note you can NOT make bong water out of a pear
She jerked me off while she drove us back from Denver going 70mph. It was both the scariest and most erotic moment of my life.
just woke up COVERED in glow sticks and glitter. didn't even have to turn the light on to puke.
Spending my graduation money on an abortion. Welcome to the real world.
For future reference, the blowjob coupons I gave you for your birthday are NOT transferable to pay your friends for tacos.
One good thing about being a mom now, I can tell which guys I'm dating were breastfed and which weren't... By the way they latch on to my breast during sex! Kinda kills the mood.
I had 800 mg of ibuprofen 2 b vitamins and I'm pounding water like I'm trying to win a hazing
They ran out of ice at the party, so I fixed my drink with frozen broccoli....the show must go on!
Hangover or death. Death. I'll have a slice of death please.
It would have to be recorded, because that sex tape would be humanity's primary evidence of miracles
We should get Al Michaels to provide commentary for it.
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
i refuse to take responsibility for eating Chuck E Cheese pizza and having any other repercussions than the shits.
i just had to ask the gas station attendant what state i was in... winning at life.
im in missouri by the way.
A girl showed up in my tinder and I have it set to only men... I super liked her because I need a lesbian experience
Randomize
