I thought you should know that you passed out in your trash can last night.
Thanks for throwing up on me.
I just passed one of the bars and saw my mom kissing another woman. This can't be good....right?
Knowing your life, probably not.
apparently it's not kosher to shit in a litter box when there's a line for the bathroom
just had a dream there were parent teacher conferences in college...scariest dream ever.
i just used my scantron for my final to make paper shotglasses. i'd say i passed in flying colors.
Um don't talk to me about fat. I just used my chip bag to cover up all my candy wrappers in the garbage.
let's get her a shirt that says "i went to key west for spring break and all i got was this illegitimate child."
Got kicked out of the baseball game with a 4 officer escort. Not bad for a monday night.
So you actually don't remember giving head to the Neil Armstrong statue last night?
Close your eyes and stop texting and think about puppies. You'll be fine.
It's official, no more fat chicks or even close to that, my balls are 2 dimentional
I had a dream last night where I used the marginal product rule to figure out how much more hangover I got per sip of four loko, econ is taking over my life...
Just traded the drive-through guy at BK a Dos Equis for a Hershey pie before noon... win?
When theres a zombie apocalypse, i will be the only fat survivor. I ate chef boyardi ravioli with part of a pen for a fork
We dated for a month and a half. he didn't like blow jobs. I honestly don't think he was human.
Randomize
