Goal for tonight: Make one last drunken mistake for the semester.
im so drunk with asians
where?
always
i decided not to call her again when she started singing "goodbye my lover" as i was walking out the door..
Who was more unwelcome: The two of us at the party last night, or Kimmy Gibler at the Tanner residence?
i've never smoked before...when you said wake and bake i thought you meant like a funeral bbq or something
I got Green Bay stickers to put on my nipples. This way when I flash it will look like I did it out of spirit as opposed to drunkenness
I want him to be the Hulk to my Brooke Hogan this Halloween. Can I ask him to be my daddy this weekend?
Only if you say it like that.
He got punched in the face, dropped his laptop down a flight of stairs, and broke his roommate's lava lamp, getting all the toxic lava goo everywhere. This is why we don't let him get drunk. And yet here we are.
He got a slutty, ugly mother of a 7 year old, and I got a dog that only sleeps and shits on clean clothes. No one won in this break up.
We put a ban on pants at an unusually early point in the night.
Just an FYI i'm going to get drunk as shit while you are on duty and attempt to not fall into the bathtub again.
Rodger that.
Like don't initiate a threesome when we're all watching SPONGEBOB. That's like sacrilege.
If body pillows had a built in vibrator attached I would literally never need a boyfriend again
how soon in a friendship can you start calling them a motherfucker
I told the border patrol officer she was smuggling drugs in her ass. I doubt she cheats on me again.
Randomize
