the cops didnt even wait to start drinking the confiscated alchohol from the party
We woke up, fucked, and shared a piece of my sister's first communion cake for breakfast.
And you thought you were going to hell last weekend.
Just opened a beer with eyelash curlers... miss you.
Now they're talking about doing whiskey shots since they're flipping the turkey over. You might need to drive me home.
Something's wrong. My throat is definitely not in it's normal spot. Way too low.
It's official, no more fat chicks or even close to that, my balls are 2 dimentional
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
let me drop the bass on your empty vagina syndrome
Liquor doesn't fix sad, but it sure as hell lowers my standards for a rebound.
I haven't had an orgasm since 2014. So you cam see why I'm having a bad year.
Nooo. I was entirely happy pretending that my vagina only existed for peeing and releasing Satan's waterfall.
I opened my eyes to the dog snorting coke, I decided it was best to just close my eyes and forget what I saw
Can you explain the Transformers set up for battle in my living room?
And on the way out from Applebee's he tried to take the basket of toothpicks claiming he was using them as a tax write off. Last time I babysit my dad on thirsty Thursday.
I’m at the Eye doc, sitting in the waiting room. The woman next to me is highlighting passages in her bible. I’m watching pornhub on mute. I clearly need some penis, or Jesus.
Randomize
