Another night of drunkeness. Maybe I shouldn't have played death pong...
Didn't you just get a DUI last week?
Indeed I did but death didn't stop Jesus now did it
Bristol Palin says: Remember to use protection
you need to know that there is a kid here wearing an i mosh for Jesus shirt
She wrote me a poem titled "Penis Flower" and it wasnt a joke
he actually managed to pick a girl up by telling her that her skirt was ugly and she didnt do a good job with her makeup. thats some seriously low selfesteem
Just walked in on my older brother getting a bj. He told the girl to "keep going" and then attempted to high five me
Dude he's the best wing man ever. He starts creepin' on a woman, and she clings on to you out of fear.
Good for him. He wanted to accomplish walking across niagara, I'm hoping to accomplish not throwing up tomoro nite, we all have our own priorities in life.
Dude I'm at a bar, and there's this Elvis impersonator here that I went to rehab with. Apparently Elvis has left the wagon.
I tried to take home a cat on broadway last night. I named him Pinocchio and put my purse down on the sidewalk and tried to put it inside it
I guess "Ass Fun Friday" is not a thing no matter how many times I say it or bring it up in conversation...
Right, try not to commit a felony that costs more than 4 dollars cause that's all I have in my bail jar.
I can't believe i just offerred a guy a burrito and head, and got turned down. Officially celibate now.
Eaten today: granola bar, pumpkin donut, and fritos. Oh, college nutrition.
I swear to god my spidey sense only tingles when someone’s about to die or you’re being a hoe.
Randomize
