Umm went to talk to a client ended up seeing his semi erect penis. This is my life.
If I was on drugs, this would be amazing
I realized we pick a president more often than I get a blowjob
I made him tell me how he proposed to his wife before I'd bang him. I have a problem.
Thats why you always identify the subtext of a blowjob before you accept it.
In an unknown location. With a giant marshmallow stuck to my back. Hello breakfast.
Has anyone ever told you you're majestic like a sea turtle when you fuck?
And your cock privileges have been revoked.
I was desperately holding on to my sandwich while we had sex.
I am convinced that after two dates and a few adult sleepovers that he still doesn't know my name.
After I finished inserting the catheter he said he thought my name was familiar. Didn't have the nerve to tell him he was my fifth grade teacher.
I just watched Matt try to put on a pillowcase thinking it was a t-shirt.
We got caught fucking on the couch while I was in my Godzilla onesie.
Science requires me to take a picture of your nipples.
Do not buy a prego test at the Walgreens you frequent. It's awkward. Just trust me.
The fact he has had a girlfriend for 5 years and they are trying to work it out isn’t going to stop me from sleeping with him. He said it himself you can’t cheat on someone you love...
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