i wonder if detective benson from law and order takes those handcuffs home. i bet she does.
Do you know how easy it would be to shoplift if I was a magician?!
No, I don't think Michelle is a squirter. And if I've had anal sex, the Obamas have.
So I woke up today with someone's door knob in my pocket. I hope everbody else got out of the house ok.
you walked into the kitchen holding the skyy bottle and asked us "how do i warm this?"
Just saw some girl biking on campus with a babyseat on the front. Baby included. Do you know how many points that'd be worth?
You drank everything last night. It was like this huge deconstructed long island that went on for 5 hours
Bad news. I baked you a cake and one of my fingernails is missing.
He taught me where the gears in a five speed are with his penis.
Don't mind me. My boyfriend is carrying me because I'm broken not because I'm drunk.
It's not even 9:30 yet..
I no longer believe that the road to self esteem is through his penis.
MY FUCKING CAT JUST GAVE BIRTH AND IM FUCKING STONED AND I FUCKING DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO!!!
Gave up on finding an ashtray.... just started flicking it in my purse.
Literally I woke up the other day and the girl part of me was like “GET CUFFED MOTHERFUCKER” and I went ham on tinder.
I pelvic thrusted so hard while he was eating me out that his nose started bleeding. I think it's broken. Trophy scars, right?
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