i just broke my key off in the door of my house because the engine wasnt starting
You guys need to stop introducing me as "the girl you shared"
He didnt have condoms & didnt trust himself to pull out. Thats when I knew he was a keeper. So I blew him so he knew I was a keeper too.
True romance of the 21st century.
it's kinda bad that we're already planning travel arrangements to his funeral
Fyi when u order four mini bottles of scotch on a 45 min flight. The flight attendants jaw drops to the floor.
Petting the cat and listening to "you've got a friend". This is why I smoke weed. To make sense of situations like this.
After throwing up, the toothpaste tasted so good. Thank you for not letting me eat it.
He told me that a camel appeared out of nowhere and it told him to quit smoking...
I've never used poorer judgment in my life. It's mathematically possible that I impregnated 5 women in the past 24 hours since I won the lottery. But I couldn't be happier about it.
So do you want to hear how I got the hickey first, or how I got the black eye?
One minute we were ordering sandwhiches. The next hes peeing in a trash can yelling at kids about how tv made him this way
Broken leg sex is fun because I just get to lay there
Hey.... can you explain to me why when I woke up this morning my cell phone background had been changed to me getting a piggy back ride from a drag queen?
I want sex. When is an appropriate time post funeral to ask for something like that. Like when it gets dark out?
momentary stint on a second floor library computer...guy next to me snorted blue adderall off his notebook through a cut straw, i cant tell if this guy is my hero or just plain crazy...
Randomize
