Dude, I'm so high in the forest and I think I'm in a bear den.
So he says he needs "alone time" a day that he doesnt have to deal with anyone. should i be concerned?
I think in guy language thats " Im fucking someone else and dont want u catching me"
You'd think after all these years of evolution that it would be longer than a golf pencil.
The doctor said 'youre the 2nd youngest person that ive seen with this condition. Thats probably not the silver medal you were looking for today.'
It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club
Just threw up in my seat during the national anthem. Probably not good.
Honest to god.. She looks better fat. I never would have imagined those words coming out of my mouth, EVER.
Just gave a blow job while wearing a shirt that says 'world's coolest mom' idk how my conscience feels...
I wanted to make out with that blonde just so I could deck her boyfriend and make things interesting.
At least that would be something.
DON'T YOU TELL ME I HAVE HERPES ON MY BIRTHDAY. THAT IS MOST DEFINITELY NOT A HAPPY BIRTHDAY.
So to add to headbutting the microwave while waiting for my hot pockets to cook. I apparently told both bartenders earlier in the night I was going to fuck them both. I hate black out drunk me..
And you said I'm not athletic, I rubbed one out with my sports band on, it's the same as walking 1/4 mile.
I stopped him mid keg stand to show him how cute my bra was...
Are you in a good mood because I stuffed you with enchiladas, ice cream, penis, and cuddles last night?
Found like seven bruises in the shower. One was shaped like a hand. Best. Sex. Ever.
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