when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
do you think they make "congratulations unfit mother" greeting cards?
or abortion recommendation cards.
Did you ever notice the eye of Sauron looks like Lindsay Lohan's vagina?
The little penguins are speaking with a hispanic accent. I dont know how to feel about it. Geographically speaking, this cant be possibly. This isnt cool.
Had a speaker in class today. She asked whats the first question when you see someone pregnant. I said whos the father? She was looking for "is it a boy or a girl?"
Thanks for making breakfast. I usually have cereal and coffee...but i think margaritas and turkey sandwiches could catch on.
Dude it's bad when your 10 year old son makes fun of your penis size.
I'm auditing financial statements and ur growing weed this is bullshit how did this happen to me
Making drunken Mac n cheese at 3 am I understand why witches constantly stir their cauldrons. Much more homogenized temperature and slim chance of boiling over. Good job witches.
He thought he was ordering for the whole party so when he came back with thirty burritos and four of us were left, he wasn't happy
Checking out a dudes' nachos instead of the dude #foreveralone
I don't think you understand...I'm really good at getting drunk
Not exactly hook line and sinker right away, but I'll give him a second chance. I should sext him me in my blue shark onesie.
I only spent $42 at the bar last night, it's some sort of miracle.
you do remember it was dollar beer night, right?
That answers my next five questions
I'm still thinking about that amazing orgasm last night. I literally heard angels singing "Hallelujah!!"
Randomize
