Call meee
Ok, but just to warn you, I'm as drunk as a Kennedy right now...
i know we just met, but i forget your name, and i'm wondering why my penis burns?
I was just curling my hair topless and I just burned my nipple. Ouch.
I told him that he is like a snow storm I never know when he is coming, how many inches I will get, or how long it will last
I am watching the symphony and have decided that violin players probably give really good hand jobs.
I just want a box on franzia all to myself. Just me, my wine, my tears, & my self loathing.
He sent me a pic and IT CURVED OUT OF THE PICTURE! Curved. Out. Of. The. Picture.
Bible prof is the guy I made out with at the gay bar on the fourth. He doesn't remember.
He was hiding behind my bedroom door. at noon. Wearing a t shirt. And a condom. Not attractive.
From scraping the remnants from a coke bag at a lingerie party to meeting with an 80 year old man to discuss civil rights all in under 12 hours bizarrely feels like the epitome of my life
I resisted the temptation to hold the cake in one hand to alternate bites with the ruffles I was eating. I decided that might make me look dysfunctional.
Remember that time I got suspended in eighth grade, well it was like that but I was on acid and wearing goggles
I didn't pop out of a cake in a speedo with diagrams
In case that's what u were picturing
What procrastination leads to: I have submitted a third of my job applications this week with a BAC that would get me arrested
I am now "wine pairing" tums flavors with my strongbow, because apparently hard cider gives me heartburn.
Randomize
