It's a sad day when you have to slightly move your fupa to shave.
I cut my penus on the lid.
Was the mom I hooked up with decently attractive I feel like her two friends were hotter
There's a questionable stain on Harley's bed...would they have sex on a dog bed?
I'm glad we're going to catch up. too bad it's over my vagina.
how the hell were we supposed to out run the cops in a bus?
Pounded a bottle of Moscato in my underwear while watching Pretty Little Liars...am I really gonna be 30 next year?
10/10 dentists agree that he is one bangable mother fucker. hint: i am all of these dentists.
I woke up on some strangers couch covered in salad mix and oatmeal cream pies. The struggle is absolutely real.
Dude. Woke up this morning wearing that chick's panties. 8/10, would recommend. I love tequila.
I shall relish in being the most basic of bitches
How did people get blow jobs before text messaging?
I have beer and butt plugs...pretty sure I will find a way to entertain myself while I wait
I should've known a straight guy wouldn't know all the words to Moana
I don’t care that he’s a decade younger. He’s cute and I need a good penising
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