Let's go to weight watchers and eat in front of them.
So the bartender just told me that there was numerous people who saw me having sex on the rooftop last weekend. +1
i know this sounds kinda weird but his cock smelled like fabric softener. it was so refreshing.
what's with the bloody hand print on the hood of your car
Guess what happened to me today at work?
I have chlamydia. What happened.
Oh lets talk about your news first. Mine is happy so it should go second.
No no no...you park the car, stick your tongue down his throat, slip your number in his pocket, invite him to insomnia, and THEN LEAVE. You go from awkward to epic in a matter of seconds.
You kept challenging people to a cartwheel contest...when someone finally agreed, you cartwheeled into some chicks face, then tried to propose to her as an apology. Fyi, she said no
He was stoned laying on my bed singing I'm a little tea cup while I took a pregnancy test. Thank god it was negative.
She thinks you guys are the gods of the bathroom. If she runs past you naked, give me a heads up
I've officially slept with/dated two guys that have gotten tased. What the fuck is wrong with me
Those people that talk about exercise endorphins have never experienced a 9x13 pan of mac n cheese endorphins
dollar rum and cokes, see you on the dark side of infinity
However many condoms you have, it isn't enough.
Why the fuck is there raw bacon in my bra. I don't even have a stove.
You went outside, peed in the front yard, and asked me to bring you some toilet paper.
Randomize
