I cant video chat with you tonight, my parents are home
r u implying that im some kind of v-chat prostitution whore?
Quoting wale wont save you from herpes
We were so tired we rock paper scissored for who would be on top. I won.
The only piece of furniture in the apartment is a wine rack.
Hypothetically, how much legal trouble do you think i will be in for stealing someone's dog?
I want to be done crawling through windows but the sex is too good to stop...but I'm running out of excuses for where the bruises on my legs are coming from.
I would compare it to a jeffrey but in smoothie form. More drugs in here than Bobby Brown's sock drawer.
Fuck I am starving. I don't think I've eaten in the past two days.
You didnt need to. Gin is like eggs, its a perfectly nutrionally balanced meal.
My old dealer would be proud of the drug cocktail I just took for my back pain.
No, dude...I agree it's great in theory but I promise you that 80 drunk 21 year old sorority girls together in one room for formal is one of the worst drama filled ideas ever. Ever.
When I am this hungover I become increasingly grateful for having my own private office
You're talking to someone who was 80% serious about breaking into someone's house and leaving a cat there with our names in a heart tag on its collar
WHERE THE FUCK IS MY ARM DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA HOW DIFFICULT IS IS TO TYPE WITH ONE HAND
Hey I need you to run the morning meeting, for reasons I can explain when I find out where I left my car
We should write a country song: “Blacked Out on a Sunday”
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