i'm only drinking out of pineapples from now on.
so after all day drinking, we went to an all u can eat crab place and i was going from table to table surveying the crowd if they though the crab i was carrying around looked like the flying dog from never ending story...what the hell is wrong with me?
just when i thought things couldnt get worse, the batteries died in my vibrator.
Even water is tasting like jack daniels
a garbage man just dropped off my phone and wallet. he found them in the trash this morning.
Think of this as an opportunity. Like Jesus just opened up his closet, and inside is an endless supply of huge, beautiful cock.
Whiskey dick is like insurance for making bad decisions
He challenged me to a drink off, I couldn't just say no. It was a matter of pride really.
And as he was cursing your name from the bathroom you were ordering yourself another drink on his tab. The poor bastard had no clue you were a pro drunk
If I showed up at your door with pizza and a bottle of tequila wearing nothing but chaps and a fireman helmet, would you send me away?
This strange Italian man told me he wants to take me for ice cream and kept calling me "tomato" from tinder
As your friend, I promise I will drink a full bottle of vodka and belly slide down the stairs with you if that test is positive
He took a shot of vodka and AND ATE ME OUT AS A CHASER. YESSS. I AM IN LOVE.
I'm not going to drink anymore, and on that note I'm not going to drink any less either, so I'll see you there. . .
I just sold Adderall to a priest, im not quite sure how I feel about this situation
she filled my toilet with birdseed... i tried flushing it but now it's clogged so she has to come over and fix it because it was her mistake in the first place
Randomize
